The plans of the heart belong to man but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.
-Proverbs 16:1 (ESV)
Here's a fact : disagreements are part of relationships. The problem is that people don't know how to argue. It certainly is true in my marriage. My wife and I agreed that we needed honing in our communication skills so that in resolving everyday issues, we would avoid saying the wrong things that turn small issues into full-blown confrontations. We needed to learn how to speak clearly so that we are not misunderstood. We also needed to learn how to listen to each other so that we understand what the other person is really saying.
Never underestimate, or worse yet, ignore the power of speech to build or destroy relationships. Arguments can cause so much pain and suffering. James warns about the destructive potential of the tongue and says that everyone has stumbled in what they say (James 3:1-12). It is with the tongue that we communicate our needs, desires, ideas, and feelings. We use it to reprimand, rebuke, exhort, teach, encourage, or inspire others but what good does it bring if we haven't learned how to use speech properly? How do you speak the truth in love if you don't know how to really talk with others? Aristotle said, "It is not sufficient to know what one ought to say, but one must also know how to say it." If we speak so poorly, perhaps it's better to say nothing at all.
Steve Brown, a professor of preaching at Reformed Theological Seminary, wrote a book on this titled, How To Talk So People Will Listen. He gives sound, Biblical counsel that, had I known earlier, would have spared me from a lot of self-induced heartaches in my relationships.
When you get into an argument with your spouse, your children, your friends, or even colleagues at work, remember that they are not the enemy. Friends and lovers may have differences but they are not adversaries. So Steve Brown says that in these relationships, the object is not to win the argument, to prove a point, and certainly not to get your way. Instead, when the argument is with someone you care about, the goal is to strengthen and deepen the the relationship.
He gives 8 rules that helps us to put this principle into practice.
Rule 1: Never characterize the argument made by someone you love.
To characterize means to interpret what the other person is saying through your own lens. You are hearing but you are not listening. You are already making conclusions without taking the time to clarify and repeat what the other person is saying in order to have an accurate understanding of his or her position. That is why James says, "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19)." We usually do it the other way around when we get into arguments and that gets us into trouble (Proverbs 18:13).
Rule 2 : Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to one another.
This is what Paul means when he admonished, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26)."
Rule 3 : Keep the "weapons of destruction" in the closet.
My wife and I have favorite "verbal bombs" that we unleash at each other. My favorite is what I call the "right back at you" bomb by accusing her of being a hypocrite. "You're telling me that I shout too much at you, well you're yelling at me now so you have double standards!" And the war is on. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1)." So stow the guns.
RULE 4: Apologize quickly.
Do rule 4 when you violate rules #1,#2, and #3. And do it quickly. Giving an apology is confessing your sin to the one whom you offended (James 5:16). Admitting your wrong leads to healing (Proverbs 12:18) and brings down the defenses that your loved one has put up.
RULE 5: Affirm easily.
John Piper quotes CS Lewis saying, "I had noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least." When we are misers in giving affirmation, we are like old Ebenezer Scrooge. To affirm is to call out something in someone that is worth commending. Affirmation is different from manipulation and flattery in that affirmation is others-centered. You commend the other person because you love them and not for your personal gain which is at the heart manipulation and flattery. It is easy to commend someone you love. So when you argue, be generous in your affirmations.
RULE 6: Compromise often.
This is another way of saying this admonition in Philippians:
Never underestimate, or worse yet, ignore the power of speech to build or destroy relationships. Arguments can cause so much pain and suffering. James warns about the destructive potential of the tongue and says that everyone has stumbled in what they say (James 3:1-12). It is with the tongue that we communicate our needs, desires, ideas, and feelings. We use it to reprimand, rebuke, exhort, teach, encourage, or inspire others but what good does it bring if we haven't learned how to use speech properly? How do you speak the truth in love if you don't know how to really talk with others? Aristotle said, "It is not sufficient to know what one ought to say, but one must also know how to say it." If we speak so poorly, perhaps it's better to say nothing at all.
Steve Brown, a professor of preaching at Reformed Theological Seminary, wrote a book on this titled, How To Talk So People Will Listen. He gives sound, Biblical counsel that, had I known earlier, would have spared me from a lot of self-induced heartaches in my relationships.
When you get into an argument with your spouse, your children, your friends, or even colleagues at work, remember that they are not the enemy. Friends and lovers may have differences but they are not adversaries. So Steve Brown says that in these relationships, the object is not to win the argument, to prove a point, and certainly not to get your way. Instead, when the argument is with someone you care about, the goal is to strengthen and deepen the the relationship.
He gives 8 rules that helps us to put this principle into practice.
Rule 1: Never characterize the argument made by someone you love.
To characterize means to interpret what the other person is saying through your own lens. You are hearing but you are not listening. You are already making conclusions without taking the time to clarify and repeat what the other person is saying in order to have an accurate understanding of his or her position. That is why James says, "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19)." We usually do it the other way around when we get into arguments and that gets us into trouble (Proverbs 18:13).
Rule 2 : Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to one another.
This is what Paul means when he admonished, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26)."
Rule 3 : Keep the "weapons of destruction" in the closet.
My wife and I have favorite "verbal bombs" that we unleash at each other. My favorite is what I call the "right back at you" bomb by accusing her of being a hypocrite. "You're telling me that I shout too much at you, well you're yelling at me now so you have double standards!" And the war is on. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1)." So stow the guns.
RULE 4: Apologize quickly.
Do rule 4 when you violate rules #1,#2, and #3. And do it quickly. Giving an apology is confessing your sin to the one whom you offended (James 5:16). Admitting your wrong leads to healing (Proverbs 12:18) and brings down the defenses that your loved one has put up.
RULE 5: Affirm easily.
John Piper quotes CS Lewis saying, "I had noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least." When we are misers in giving affirmation, we are like old Ebenezer Scrooge. To affirm is to call out something in someone that is worth commending. Affirmation is different from manipulation and flattery in that affirmation is others-centered. You commend the other person because you love them and not for your personal gain which is at the heart manipulation and flattery. It is easy to commend someone you love. So when you argue, be generous in your affirmations.
RULE 6: Compromise often.
This is another way of saying this admonition in Philippians:
"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
-Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV
RULE 7: Stick to Issues.
Don't drag on other issues into the argument. Stick to the issues at hand and work to resolve it.
RULE 8: Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you branch out to settle the issue.
Steve Brown concludes,
"In an argument or a disagreement with someone with whom you have an important relationship, the only reason for the argument or the disagreement is to reach some kind of accord so that you can work hand in hand with that accord to a particular goal. Winning arguments with people who are important to you is always a losing strategy. Remember, the relationship is always important than any argument."
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