Friday, July 15, 2011

Dazzle Your Kids With Grace!

    Most parenting styles lie between two extremes. At one end is unstructured permissiveness. The other end is oppressive control. A permissive parent prefers to love and nurture but “spares the rod” and kids that are raised in this environment can be out of control, self-centered, and spoiled. An oppressive parent is harsh, abusive, and tyrannical that his children are discouraged, humiliated, provoked to anger, and living in constant fear. Both of these extremes are sinful and damaging to the lives of children (Proverbs 13:24, Colossians 3:21, Ephesians 6:4).


    Christian parents like me, being aware of this, are careful to maintain a balance of love and discipline. However, what passes as “Christian parenting” nowadays is really a syncretism of biblical principles with modern psychology. By and large, they are tips and principles on how to do our job right as parents so that our kids will become "good, law-abiding Christians" that are successful at whatever they do. This approach is limiting, perhaps dangerous, and can be just as damaging to children because they can become religiously obedient but still have spiritually unregenerate hearts. Kids raised this way will find no need of the gospel message, relying instead on self-righteousness and self-effort in living as Christians. And they won’t endure, with most leaving church and abandoning their faith by the time they grow into adulthood. This is all because the gospel message was obscured as they were growing up in a Christian environment.

    That is why I welcome the recent emergence of Christian literature on gospel-powered, gospel-centered parenting. Give Them Grace by authors Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson stands out by going against the syncretic paradigm found in many Christian parenting books. They show how the gospel radically changes all aspects of our parenting style because it shifts our parenting efforts away from changing our child’s behavior and towards the heart of the matter: the transformation of our child’s heart. We parents, have passed on to our children our idol-making, self-centered hearts and Jesus said that parents cannot will their kids to become Christians (John 1:12-13). Only God, by His grace, can transform their rebellious hearts through faith in Jesus Christ, and then they will obey and walk in the law of the Lord.

    Parents have a crucial role in teaching their children about the gospel. This book equips and trains Moms and Dads on how to go about doing it. The main idea is found in chapter 5, aptly titled ‘Grace That Trains’. The authors explain what it means to “bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” as commanded by Paul in Ephesians 6:4.

“….Parents think about and remember Jesus Christ and then train their children how to understand how everything in their life – their joys and sorrows, their trials and labors, their doubts, sin, and shame – is to be understood and approached in the light of Jesus Christ….This is the best news any child could hear. Distinctly Christian parenting must be accomplished in the environment of the good news about Jesus Christ or it is not Christian parenting. It may work for a while, it may make your life manageable, and God may use it, but it is not ‘of the Lord’.”

They identified 5 facets of discipline and instruction in the Lord. And several sections in the book discuss how these may be applied in various situations that parents get into with their kids.

1. Management – Parents are to manage their child’s behavior. Children need basic instructions for daily living such as, “Do your homework and get ready for bed.” “Say thank you”. “Don’t talk too loud.” Note that this does not get to the heart but one of our God-ordained roles as Christian parents is to manage our household well.

2. Nurturing – Feed their soul with the gospel truth that Jesus cares for them. Teach them about God’s grace and that even in the midst of their suffering God always works everything for their good. Children need to know that they can put their hope on God who loves them and provides for their needs.

3. Training – Children need to learn how the gospel applies to the circumstance they’re facing and what an appropriate response should be. In light of what Jesus has done for them, they can obey and walk in the law of the Lord. Here’s one example: because Jesus has forgiven us while we were still sinners, we can forgive those who offend us. This is radical! Oftentimes, our approach is to tell them that they have to forgive or otherwise God will not be pleased.

4. Correction – God’s grace brings salvation and teaches us to turn away from ungodliness and into godly living. Therefore, correction must be done in the context of what Jesus has already done for them and his great love for them. In other words, God is a perfect, loving Father and his way of bringing correction to his children sets the pattern for us earthly parents. Think of how physical discipline and correction is administered when it is shaped by grace – it becomes a restraint to do evil and training for righteousness. Moreover, the gospel helps parents to overcome sinful tendencies to do discipline out of frustration and anger.

5. Promises – Our children need to be assured of the promises of Jesus to love and care for them no matter how they fail. This is important because Christian children feel guilt and believe that they are going to hell when they sin or make mistakes.  Parents must continually remind them that they are God’s sons and daughters and nothing can take them away from the love of Christ. We also need to warn them that unbelief brings failure and shame. 

    Our ultimate goal as parents is to point them to Jesus Christ because the one thing that our children absolutely need is the gospel of grace. Though their salvation is not in our control, we obey God and raise them in the Lord. For what profit is it to them if they are successful in the world but lose their soul? The authors conclude,

“They need to be absolutely dazzled by the kind of love that would suffer the way Christ suffered, forgive the way he forgives, and bless the way he blesses….Freely dazzle your babies with the cross of Christ. Give them grace when they succeed and grace when they fail.”
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